Putting Your Best Breasts Forward

Posted: June 13, 2011 in Uncategorized

When I attended game four of the Stanley Cup Finals and got to see the Bruins completely spank the Canucks, I thought the evening could not get any better. I was wrong. The frosting on my happy cake was applied in, of all places, the ladies room. As I was washing my hands a lovely young thing who looked to be somewhere in her twenties approached me timidly and said, “I hope you don’t mind me saying this, and please don’t take it the wrong way, but you have one of the nicest chests I have ever seen.”

Don’t get excited boys, this was not a girls gone wild moment errupting into a tickle fight and bathroom make out session. She said it the way she might have complimented my shoes, or my haircut; strictly one female complimenting another female on an aspect of her appearance. So much more meaningful and flattering than the drunk dude two rows in front of me who spent the better part of the game turning around and yelling nice rack while giving me an enthusistic thumbs up.

I thanked her most sincerely and told her that since my chest was no spring chicken, she had really made my night. The look on her face and insistance that I must be fibbing when I told her how old it was made me contemplate why she should be so shocked; what was it about a typical 44 year olds decolltage that made this so difficult to believe.

Let me take a moment to asure you that I am not cosmetically altered, I have had two kids, I am not a genetic anomoly, there is nothing special or unusual about my chest and I definitely do not pass the pencil test. Why then, you ask, would it look good enough for some girl half my age to take the time to comment on it? The simple answer to this question is attention to detail and a really really good bra.

I know you don’t want to believe this guys but the truth is not every great rack is a work of nature or really good plastic surgery.  Many are simply a matter of artful construction.  When you aproach the age where taking off your bra could potentially register on the richter scale then you need to give a little more thought to your undergarments. And ladies, I am taking this opportunity to implore you, for the sake of all us women in our forties and above, do your part to make the world a lovelier place by paying attention to the simple rules of good breast etiquette.

It starts by simply looking in the mirror.  I know this sounds intuitive but how many times have I seen an otherwise attractive woman waltzing through life with her breasts completley out of control?  More than anyone should, thats for sure.  My thought during these unfortunate moments is always, “Where are their friends? Where are their mirrors?”  Many people reading this right now may have suffered from a NoFriends /NoMirror moment.  I myself have occasionally been a perpetrator of a brassiere faux pas.

Okay, so back to the mirror, what exactly should you be  looking for?  First and foremost, you should not be breaking the  elbow rule.  If you are standing with your arms hanging by your side, please check and make sure that your breasts reside ABOVE your elbow crook.  If they are sitting right at the bend or god forbid, below it, then for heavens sake, hike those bad boys up asap!  Don’t tell me you can’t, or that you are simply built that way, I am not buying it.  I know some ladies who have the equivilent of wet gym socks filled with loose change and yet they are sitting high and tight when they go out into the world.  On the flip side I have seen some sweet young things who look like they are sprouting breasts next to their belly buttons.

Secondly you should be evaluating shape. Rounded ladies, rounded is the shape we are looking for.  Not completely round as if inflated beach balls have been attached to your ribs, that is an indicator of a bad boob job.  Cones are NOT acceptable under any circumstances, breasts resembling a triangle or madonna’s chest in the 80’s is a big no-no. If they look like a weapon then frankly no one wants to interact with them for fear of losing an eye.

The third thing to keep in mind is that four breasts are NOT better than two.  If you have what looks like an extra set escaping from your bra cups then you are more likely to attract a litter of puppies than one of your own species. 

This brings me to the fourth and final consideration when evaluating the present state of your ta ta’s.  Cleavage!!!  Mastering this part of breast etiquette is an art form and too many of us are sporting what I call old lady butt crack cleavage.  You know, when the sisters are smooshed together forming a straight line that resembles a plumbers salute.  You should be aiming for about a fingers worth of space between your glorious globes, let them breathe, give them room to heave.  Each side forming its own individual and perfectly rounded ice cream scoop.

Ok, I know, I have laid down a pretty strict code of conduct and you are at this moment thinking about whatever challenge your particular pair presents. How can you possibly rise to the level presented here in this blog.  I say nonsense ladies, we are all capable of taking our own special individual gifts and bringing them to the height of their potential.  Run, don’t walk, to the nearest lingerie department and give yourself an entire afternoon; try on every contraption under the sun until you find the one that rises to the challenge.  Get someone who works at the store and knows what they are doing involved, they will be more honest than any of your friends.  And if at all possible, don’t look at the price tag; great breasts do not always come cheap, but an expensive bra is still less than a set of implants.  I promise you, no matter what you are starting with, there is a bra out there to help. Go! Get thee to a Victoria Secrets and before you know it you too will be putting your best breasts forward.

  1. Elisabeth says:

    Wonderful blogging debut! Keep ’em coming (both of them)

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