Posts Tagged ‘relationships’

Ladies, I am just going to say it, fucking is fun and we need to embrace our right to enjoy it.  I wish I had come to this conclusion before I hit my forties, but hey, better late to the party then missing it altogether.

Let me begin this discussion by pointing out that it is incredibly important to teach our young people that no means no.  Our girls should be told that no one should pressure them into sex, and that they are in control of their bodies and their sexuality.  We should teach our boys to be respectful and honorable when it comes to women and never to push themselves on anyone or take advantage of a person who is under the influence and cannot give consent.  There is tremendous value in lessons regarding safe sex and waiting till you are responsible enough to handle all the emotional aspects of intimacy.  I do think, however that in our earnest, we sometimes plant the seeds for an attitude towards sex that does not serve us well when we are in mature, adult relationships.

I’m not sure exactly how it happens, but once we are past the stage of frenzied teenage hormones and we have become comfortable with our partners, we operate under the assumption that sex is a commodity that woman get to dole out or withhold, and its men’s job to beg for it.  It somehow becomes ours to give or refuse, and the guys are perpetually put in the position of initiators. I am here to suggest that this arraignment does a grave disservice to both genders.

Ok women, before you get up in arms, let me ask you this; how would you feel if you went to kiss your partner and they turned you away.  What if you decided that you were all hot and bothered one night, planned a romantic evening, wore your sexiest get-up and they said, “yeah… I’m really not in the mood”?   You would be furious, insulted, maybe a little humiliated, and yet we turn down our guys all the time and expect them to recover from rejection over and over again.  Believe me, I am not implying that anyone should be bullied into sex or should have to comply when they are sick or miserable.  I am simply suggesting that you consider a request for intimacy on a night you’re not really interested like seeing a movie you wouldn’t have chosen if your guy hadn’t wanted to see it, or going to a restaurant you don’t love because its his favorite.  Give it a whirl not because its your duty or because you have been pushed into it, but because you love your partner and you are willing to give it a try.  Here is the kicker, nerve endings are nerve endings, and more often than not, before you know it, you are having a great time too.

I know what you’re thinking, ok, so I do that for the man, what do I get out of it?  Well, this is what I have come to realize, when women are always the ones who get to say yea or nay, it stifles our ability to enjoy sex to the fullest.  Just the concept that men are always after it and women are always saying no, creates the notion that men like sex more than women.  Once you plant an idea like that, it has a nasty way of taking root.  Not to mention, despite our supposed  growth in areas of sexuality, down deep there is still that nagging thought that if a woman admits to loving sex, then she is a whore.  Well I say, fuck that!  Sex is fun ladies, take it back! Decide right here and now, that you are going to enjoy it to the fullest and have it as often as possible.  For some of you this is a larger shift in thinking than others and you are probably not sure where to begin.  No worries, I am going to give some advice on how to do this, and stay with me guys because not only can you learn from my words of wisdom to the ladies, but I have some helpful hints for you that I promise are a straight path to getting laid.

Ok women, lets begin by just thinking about sex more often.  Allow your mind to wander several times a day, think about what really turns you on and then picture it happening.  In fact make a “fuck it” list.  Its like a bucket list only sexier 😉 Share this list with your partner and start making plans.  Reconsider some of the things that you previously put away in the “I would never do that” file.  Be brave, if you love and trust the person you are with than there is really no limits to the fun you can have.

Speaking of fun, try to reclaim your sense of adventure but keep your sense of humor.  Lets face it, sex can be funny sometimes.  Not everything on your list will turn out as planned and not every position is as good in practice as it is in theory.  Its ok to laugh in bed and admit that you NEVER want to do that again.

Remember that its your sex too, don’t be afraid to ask for what you want, give him a helping hand, or say, “hey I’m not done yet” We are so lucky, we can have all kinds of orgasms, no need to stop at just one even if he is done. You may be thinking, “oh but he is too tired once he has cum”  Yeah? well hand him a toy and tell him what to do!  Let him know what your favorite stuff is and then show him how to be the best at it.  Try not to worry that you aren’t supposed to like something, or that you may be judged.  If you have chosen your partner well enough than the bed should be a no judgement zone.  Feel free to have some cowgirl, reverse cowgirl, ass smacking fun if thats what floats your boat.  You want to make noise? Go for it. Wonder what it would be like to make him lay perfectly still while you tease him until he says PLEASE, by all means suggest it. In return don’t judge him either, fair is fair.  Try your hardest not to look horrified or say, oh gross!!!

Do things a “lady” is not supposed to do.  Tell him in the middle of the day that you can’t stop thinking about fucking him.  Suggest he come home on his lunch hour and be waiting naked. Watch a little female friendly porn and discover some new positions. Masturbate way more often, sexual stimulation has a funny way of creating desire rather than quelling it.  Most importantly; tell yourself from now on, barring sickness, or natural disaster, you will simply not say no.

Im sure that suggestion really pisses some woman off.  You may be thinking that to make such a promise would make you feel subservient or like a slut.  I can tell you from personal experience that nothing is further from the truth.  I made such a pledge to myself during my first serious relationship following my divorce.  It was an attempt to reclaim my sexuality which had seemed so lost to me.  The result of this little experiment was that I felt empowered, and that made me brave, which led to a type of equality in the bedroom that I had never known. This new equality in turn fueled the most mind blowing sex I have ever experienced.  Guess what ladies? When the sex gets really good, you stop wanting to say no.  If it is impossible, really impossible for you to have the level of trust that allows this to happen, then you are with the wrong partner.

Ok guys your turn, there are things you can do in order to create the kind of environment where a woman feels inclined to follow some of the advice I have just given.  I promise you, take my words to heart and you will be getting laid so often you’ll be begging for a break.

First and foremost, be kind and trusting in the other areas of your relationship.  When we feel safe, loved and cherished outside of the bedroom, it is a hell of a lot easier to be wild, fun, and open minded in it.  To be honest, romance is most effective when it shows up in the day to day stuff, the bedroom is a place for the end result, its not the starting line.  Give us the level of security that lets us feel comfortable taking risks and you will not be disappointed.

Speaking of romance, do you know what a grown woman finds romantic?  I will tell you a secret, flowers and chocolates are lovely but nothing drops a pair of undies faster then taking something off a woman’s “to do” list.  Do her dishes, the laundry, clean her car, and she will be naked in no time.  When our mind is not occupied with all the things we have to get done, we are free to think about trying that crazy thing we saw on Redtube the other day. 😉

Most importantly guys? Do not fall prey to the deadly Madonna/Whore complex.  This is that no win way of thinking that separates woman into good girl and bad girl categories.  I promise you, we can still be the kind of girl you take home to mom and also be capable of swinging from the chandelier, monkey fucking.  If we finally get brave enough to give you the kind of sex you dream about, then for heavens sake, don’t make us feel badly for it.  Count your blessings, let us know how unbelievably sexy you think we are then make sure you get lots of rest and drink plenty of fluids.

In my favorite disney movie, Mulan, there is a scene in which the main characters march off to war singing about wanting a girl worth fighting for. They are looking for motivation to carry them through the difficulties they are about to endure.  I have decided that this simple disney moment has hit on what is at the heart of the most successful relationships.  The willingness to fight for your partner, for your bond, your future.

If you look around at the most successful couples you know and compare them to the ones who have fallen apart or who are unhappy you may be surprised to find that on the surface they share similar issues.  As a professor of Human Communications I have learned and teach that in most cases the difference between success or failure in a relationship is not what you are fighting about but how you are fighting about them.  Good communication is at the core.  And while I believe this is true, in my personal experience and observation I have come to the conclusion that it goes even deeper than this.  The strongest happiest couples I know are ones where they are willing to fight not just with each other, but for each other.

Please understand that I am not referring to physical altercations, this is not a suggestion that you get into a bar fight over your girlfriends honor.  I am talking about the courage it takes to be vulnerable and put yourself on the line emotionally; knowing you could be terribly hurt but risking it anyway.  In a good partnership we are able to take turns doing this; recognizing that the one we love is unable to be the strong one at this moment and we have to step up to the plate and carry the weight.

One of the most concrete examples of this may be when the two of you are struggling to work through a very rough patch and you can see the one you love pulling away, getting ready to run.  The words are on their lips, the keys are in their hands.  At this moment you have a choice; protect yourself from being vulnerable or hurt and let them go, or risk rejection and fight for them.  Let them know that you will do what it takes, you will be the strong one while they are feeling weak.  Tell them you want them to stay. Fight for them.

We may believe that a person is playing games with us, or that the end is inevitable, perhaps we consider ourselves weak and pathetic if we put ourselves on the line. I would suggest however, that it is just as possible the one running simply believes they are out of options and would give anything to have someone show them another way.  Remember that when you opt not to fight for someone, the result is that they feel dismissed, to  their core.  Apathy is so much more painful than anger

Sometimes the situation is more subtle than that.  Ask yourself what do you do when your partner seems less satisfied overall, less engaged.  Do you decide you better protect yourself from possible future rejection and pull back yourself?  Do you say, hey, if they aren’t going to give it their all then I am not either?  If this is your typical reaction, I simply ask that you think about what might happen if you responded instead by reassuring them, giving them reason to believe in the strength of your connection?  Think back over your relationship and ask yourself if they have ever done that for you when you were less than sure.  It is simply not possible for one person to carry the emotional burden of keeping love strong.  It must be shared, each one taking on the job when the other cannot.

Equally important is what lens you look through when you see your loved one.    Is it your feelings, your heart, your gut reaction to who they are and what they mean to you that shapes what you see?  Or are you instead influenced by how others see them? Do you love them more when others admire them and think they are worthy?  Do you find it harder to tap into your feelings when others disapprove or put them down?  The truth is, fighting for someone means that you love them and have their back based on what you see in them, not what the world sees.  No one can survive that kind of scrutiny long term.  The strongest of couples understand that sometimes you love “even though” and sometimes you love “especially because”

I am aware that when we choose the safer easier road, it is not because we are bad people or incapable; it is because we have been hurt and broken in the past.  Over the years we have learned that it is better to pro-actively protect ourselves than risk being vulnerable.  Short term it is an effective strategy; but long term it results in a life without anything of real substance.  Look around you and notice what in your life you have obtained that brings you the most satisfaction?  My guess is that the items and accomplishments on that list were not things easily gained.  They were what you risked the most for, fought the hardest to obtain.

One final thought, this is not an essay about how to become “worth fighting for” because each and everyone of us has that potential.  It is instead a reminder to pick partners with enough courage to fight for you and for you to be with people you are willing to fight for as well.  At the end of the day it really is just the two of you, be brave.  I have faith, I will find the person who thinks I am a girl worth fighting for.

At this very moment I am laying naked on crisp white sheets, fresh out of the shower, enjoying the cool breeze of my fan. It is an absolutely delicious feeling. You may think my motivation for sharing this piece of information is to be titillating or fresh but let me assure you it is not.  I am having one of those moments where I have been given the gift of pure gratitude and grace.  So profound is my recognition of this gift I have been given that I am quite sure my world will never look exactly the same again.

You are probably asking your self, what in god’s name could be so earth shattering about a state of nakedness?  If you are then it is because you are one of the lucky ones to whom this state does not carry with it any particular baggage; but for me, the fact that I walked naked from the shower, through my house and remained unclothed for any length of time, is nothing short of remarkable.  It is proof of a level of healing that I wasn’t even aware had occurred.  And in a strange way, it is evidence that a very old, very deep wound has finally closed, and in turn, it has taken the sting out of a much fresher cut.

I spent twenty years of my life with a man who used words as weapons.  I have carried the things he has said to me every where I go like tattoos on my skin, like scar tissue from a terrible accident. One of his weapons of choice involved my appearance.  I was told on a regular basis how fat and disgusting I was, covered in cellulite, gross to look at.  He would whisper in my ear, “guys may think you are pretty but thats only because they haven’t seen you naked, they dont know about your fat, your scars, your revolting body.” This was said to me so often and with such hatred that I saw the person he described when I looked in the mirror.  No amount of compliments or attention from anyone else could erase the image I saw.

This perception of myself, so firmly implanted in my psyche resulted in an inability to be naked in any place other than the shower.  I spent the bulk of my adult life paralyzed  at the thought of walking without clothing from my bedroom to the bathroom even if the whole house was empty.  I couldn’t look at my own body and the feeling of standing up with nothing on repulsed me.  I needed to be wrapped in a towel, a bathrobe, anything to rid me of the sensation of being exposed.

When my husband and I finally divorced I was rid of a great many demons but the image of my body as disgusting could not be exorcised so easily.  He sensed this and continued to remind me at every opportunity how untouchable I was.  I overcame so many fears and difficulties when I was finally on my own, was incredibly  brave in so many ways and yet I still wrapped a towel around me the second my clothes came off.

Fast forward to almost four years later, I have spent most of this spring and summer nursing a badly broken heart.  The man who I fell deeply in love with after my divorce, the man who I thought was the person I would spend the rest of my life with, had told me that I was not his “happily ever after” and ended our relationship.  The past few months have been filled with a whirlwind of emotions; I have been hurt and angry and sat for far too long on the pity pot.  I have spent many days unable to get out of bed, and an equal amount of time on a dating frenzy hoping to erase him from my heart.

I resented that I had wasted 3 years of my life with this man and I was furious with him for hurting me when I had already been through so much.  I was certain it would have been better if we had never known each other at all.  Some of the cruelest words to ever come out of my mouth were aimed at him during this time and I am ashamed to admit I took some pleasure in his pain.

What does this sad break up have to do with being naked you ask?  The thing is, he is the reason I was able to walk to and from the shower wearing nothing at all, he is the reason I can lay here in that state of undress for any length of time.  It is because of him that I can look at myself and see a perfectly acceptable body, scars cellulite and all.  It didn’t happen right away, I was barely aware that it was happening at all, but in our time together, his kindness and sincere love for me slowly changed the image in my mirror.  He would look at me and tell me how beautiful I was, how desirable, how perfect my body looked just the way it was.  Over time I gradually began to see myself the way he did.  The angry hateful words I wore like shackles began to fall away.

This is a gift he gave to me and no one can take it away.  He has marked my soul in a very permanent, beautiful way.  Knowing this allows me to look at our relationship not as a waste but as an important chapter in my story.  I am still sad that it ended but I am grateful as well for what it gave me.  I am changed, in a very meaningful and powerful manner, and right now that is all I need.